Right now there are hundreds of shackled al-Qaeda members sitting in miniscule makeshift jail cells on the beaches of Guantanamo Bay, Cuba. They only have a daily serving of Fruit Loops and a Quran to keep them from going insane while their every move is constantly scoped by Marines with sniper rifles.

Those lucky bastards!

While I freeze my ass off in a poorly heated dorm room watching the same episode of MTV’s Spring Break Undercover, those Jihad jackasses get to lounge around in the Caribbean sun without a care in the world. As I choke down half cooked eggs and burnt french toast, the followers of the most wanted man in the world get to follow their nose to the fantastic fruit flavors of Toucan Sam’s favorite part of a balanced breakfast.

If Operation Anaconda decided to storm Lawrinson Residence Hall and send me on this indefinite vacation, you would not see me complaining.

Man if I was a terrorist, what I wouldn’t give to spend just a few days on Donald Rumsfeld’s fantasy island. Just think about it. Kickin’ it with all your homies from the old hood, talking about the holy war, praying to Allah, pooping in a ditch. Who could ask for anything more?

I don’t know what these activists arguing for better treatment are talking about. You really want to see inhumane treatment? How about having to wait 30 minutes to download the video for Busta Rhyme’s “Pass the Courvoisier” when the university’s ResNet service is slow. Now that is cruel and unusual! But do you see me asking to be characterized as a prisoner of war?

You folks can have Cancun and Panama Beach, I know where I am spending my next Spring Break. You heard me right, in a simple matter of 11 and a half months I will be down in Camp X-Ray with a pina colada in one hand and a camcorder in the other filming “Terrorists Gone Wild.” And you would not believe what these former Taliban officers did when we handed THEM the camera!

Justin Young is a freshman newspaper major. Justin@maynestream.com

Published on March 25, 2002 at 12:00 pm