My friends are so much weirder than I thought. I don’t know how it happened, but my friends from home are far more insane – and sexually awakened – than the people I hang out with at Syracuse. And the worst part is, they’re still in high school.

College friends are supposed to be more devious, horny and all-around abnormal than the ones I left behind at home. But so far, the action’s been a lot hotter in my rural Washington hometown.

It all started during the winter of my senior year, when these near-saintly youngsters found their sexual freedom in a house-sitting job gone wrong. Creation of the now-infamous ‘Other Game’ added fuel to the fire as whipped cream and chocolate sauce were eaten off our most private of places. Everyone in the house seemed to be hooking up with everyone else, sometimes at the same time. This led to hurt feelings and lost underwear, but miraculously, little bad blood remained between us. It’s a miracle that the group stayed together after those two months of sin, but it’s the closest group I’ve ever been a part of – we even created commemorative shirts.

Ferndale, Wash., isn’t the most exciting place to grow up, so making our own fun becomes a necessity. To add to our enlightenment, my best friend and I became fascinated with the process of hair removal – more specifically, waxing. Since we’re too chicken to try it out on ourselves, we’ve had to resort to pinning down and applying a sticky coating to any male dumb enough to have his shirt off for an extended period of time. Bleeding, high-pitched screams and torn carpets resulted – as well as some blotchy, half-hairless teenage boys.

Driving around with naked men in the back of a Ford Taurus, changing church signs to read ‘He who covers his ass shall never prosper’ and streaking down by the river were only a few of our favorite summertime activities. Surprisingly, we never managed to go cow tipping.

They may not seem especially lovable, but this motley crew has somehow earned a coveted role in my life. And they really do care about me. On the night before my return to SU, a birthday/goodbye party was held in my honor. Gifts included a faux-leather dominatrix starter kit, feather tickler and a foot-long, double-ended dildo, which I was tragically forced to leave at home due to luggage restraints.

Thanks, guys. Your tender affection has reminded me how much I love my friends from home – and how little action I’m getting in Syracuse.

Published on January 13, 2004 at 12:00 pm