I tried thinking of an enticing subject to write about, this being my final column and all.

I debated writing about John Sellars, the senior vice president for institutional advancement here at Syracuse University, who is up for the president’s job at Drury College in Springfield, Mo. As you can see, my hopes for an alluring final column quickly subsided.

So I planned on calling Sellars, asking him a few things and writing as engagingly as possible. But when I looked up at the clock I realized I needed to run.

Class awaited.

Oh, class. If it wasn’t for school, this column would be far better than it is right now. Do you understand how inconvenient classes are? I’m trying to call John Sellars for Christ’s sake. But I can’t, because I have to go to class and learn (actually, hear is a more appropriate word, as very little learning really transpires) about tsunami coverage from five months ago and listen to droves of people debate what skeptical questions to ask the people who found old currency and lied about it.

Perhaps afterward I can call Mr. Sellars. However, I’m informed my political science final paper is due, and I need to print it out after I, well, write it. Mr. Sellars will have to wait.

Of course, normally I’d skip class, but I had to hand in my paper. I’d tell you what kept me from interviewing Mr. Sellars, but I don’t know, because instead of taking notes I sat and imagined an oversized polar bear riding a unicycle with circus music playing.

The rumors are true. College is a sham.

Between 18 credits this semester, I can sum up everything I’ve learned in one sentence. I’ve learned three verb tenses in Spanish and the history of The Great Potato Famine in geography. Hours of what is supposed to be intellectual stimulation has flat-lined my cognitive development. If only I could drop out of SU, live in Syracuse and work as a pseudo-journalist all day.

But no. Instead, I have to busy myself with mindless classes. At least I have my oversized polar bear to wheel me through the day.

Scott Lieber is a junior magazine major. E-mail him at smlieber@syr.edu.

Published on May 2, 2005 at 12:00 pm