College is here. Four years of scholarship inaction (oops, typo), community service, underage drinking — which is totally and completely illegal and not endorsed by this publication — and eventually, “finding yourself,” whatever that means.

But most importantly, they’re the only four years during which you can wear a basketball jersey in public without looking like a ninny. Don’t have a jersey? Time to get one. I’m here to guide your purchase so that you may properly relish this opportunity to bare arms even when it’s 23 degrees in September.

Because seriously, once you graduate, that’s it, fellas.

No more donning your favorite player’s threads in support or just sitting outside on your porch to ogle coeds. You’ve got this time window in your life, and that’s it.

Have you ever been to a Syracuse basketball game? You haven’t? You will. Next time you do, check out the middle-aged locals in general admission, and behold your future if you continue to wear NBA jerseys when you have not, nor ever will, play in the National Basketball Association.

You have right now to make your sartorial statement. Don’t think this is something you can just mail in. Don’t think for one second we won’t judge the hell out of you for your choices. Oh, wow, a Jordan Chicago Bulls jersey? Snooze.

The pressure’s on, kids. What will you wear while playing beer pong in the front yard of some graduate student you’ve never met?

Sure, you can be unoriginal and wear your favorite player’s uniform or go really vanilla and get a blank Syracuse jersey, but here’s the best choice: a 1990s throwback.

Go ahead. Get that hideous Vancouver Grizzlies jersey on eBay. Shell out 80 bucks for an Orlando Magic Shaq jersey. Make us laugh with your pre-World-Peace Ron Artest Pacers getup.

Walking down Comstock Avenue in that with your snapback and your cheap frat sunglasses, I guarantee you’ll get at least 15 to 20 comments along the lines of “Sweet jersey, bro!”

Now you may say, “No, Kevin! Why, this is a serious academic institution! Surely there are more important things at stake here.” Oh, naive young man. No.

Go exploring through off-campus housing some time: avenues Euclid, Comstock and Walnut. Trust me, any day of the week, you’ll be able to hear the dulcet tones of Skrillex bursting your eardrums and see a cornucopia of multicolored basketball unis.

It’s really a fashion choice that has practical applications, though. I assure you. It can get pretty hot in Central New York — for two weeks out of the academic calendar.

I’m not opposed to our decision to celebrate the genius of Mr. Naismith’s game while throwing back Keystone Lights and making ill-advised decisions. But I do make one modest proposal: Let’s stop with the high school jerseys. The Carmelo Anthony Oak Hill Academy model. The prep school uniforms of Chris Paul and Rajon Rondo.

It’s creepy. One shade away from wearing a Little League World Series jersey. Let’s leave that jazz to the hipsters, who will think it’s super-ironic and not at all disturbing.

With that, I hope you now understand. The selection of a basketball jersey is a momentous occasion in a young man’s life, far more important than studying or expanding his horizons or any of that other crap. This decision will absolutely make or break the next four years of your life.

Welcome to our strange, addled, little frozen tundra of a society here in Syracuse, N.Y. Have a swell time.

Kevin Slack is a senior television, radio and film major. His column appears weekly. He can be reached at khslack@syr.edu.

Published on August 21, 2012 at 2:58 pm