Hello again, lovely readers. I have to warn you, this might get weird. The March Madness fever is spreading like the plague, and I’m worried I am on the verge of completely losing my mind. I’m going mad, I tell you. MAD.

It happens every year. March rolls around, and I immediately feel under the weather. I mean that literally — the weather starts putting me down and insulting me. The sun tells me, “I’m not good enough for a hot biscuit,” whatever that means, and the clouds ask me when am I going to find a nice Jewish girl and settle down. I’m not even Jewish. But the clouds want me to be. Oh, they want it, all right.

I’ve already started to show symptoms. I screamed “Matthew McConaughey” into my bookshelf 17 times the other day. After that, I discussed the viability of a Kanye presidency with my roommate’s hamster for an hour and a half. I call him Jean-Paul — he has the best stories.

It’s utterly terrifying, this March Madness. I can feel myself slowly losing touch with reality. If it spreads to my brain, I worry it’ll damage my cognitive functions and I’ll forget to record “Real Housewives of Beverly Hills.” That show is an inspiration. If Yolanda has lyme disease, I have lyme disease.

I think I need to be locked up. I think I need to be put away. Please, save yourselves, it’s too contagious. If we don’t stop this thing from spreading, we might all start thinking Donald Trump is a viable candidate for office. Who says he isn’t? Maybe if we give him a shot, we might — no, NO. This can’t be happening.

Have you ever wondered where “angel hair” pasta comes from? Where are the angels? And why are we eating their hair? That’s kind of messed up. I wonder what my hair tastes like. It’s probably not as good, but I bet it gets the job done. It’s probably like the store brand equivalent.

UPDATE: I tried it, and it’s simply scrumptious. It tastes just like how mom used to make it. I think I’m going to shave my head and make a nice dish. Do you think it’s gluten free?

I don’t know if I can trust my clock anymore. Every time I look over at him, he’s saying something different. Why don’t people stick to their values? Why did Katie Holmes not play Rachel after “Batman Begins?” Why does Joe Biden remind me of a jack-o-lantern? These are the questions that need to be asked…and answered. Both would be nice, but I’m not picky.

Just saying, Nickelback has some good music.

I think someone’s at the door. I think the sun finally found me. I don’t have the money. I don’t have the money. Help. Help. Helkp. WIEGIHNdvcsdknm.

Ian McCourt is a junior television, radio and film major. If anyone knows what happened to him, call (555)-IAN-GONE. Otherwise, you can try to reach him at iwmccour@syr.edu or follow him @OrderInMcCourt on Twitter.

Published on March 16, 2016 at 3:00 pm

Contact: iwmccour@syr.edu