Today marks my return from a long hiatus away from this column. Not much has changed in the six weeks since classes ended, except that’s a lie because literally everything has changed.

OK, maybe not everything, but if we’re being serious, at least 30 things had to have changed by now. I know I have gone through changes that my doctor tells me are normal.

But what hasn’t changed is that I am still in Syracuse, and for the past month and a half I have locked myself away to fulfill my goal of becoming a published book writer. I’m excited to announce that after many days hard at work, I will be publishing my first book, “Oh, Hey, You’re Looking Pretty Red: An Encyclopedia of Sunburns.”

This extensive catalogue and analysis of all the sunburns you might see this summer will be for sale on my website as a leather-bound book set with 13 volumes or as an audiobook, read by me, with extended commentary available.

The website will be up and running as soon as I cash the money for the domain name at the Coinstar. I’ve been self-funding this whole thing by gathering the change people leave in vending machines and those “give-a-penny, take-a-penny” things. I’ve taken a lot of pennies. I don’t sleep much.

But I’m proud of the work I’ve compiled and I’m pleased now to offer some excerpts from my upcoming book, where you can see the result of the sun’s fury, in all of its classic and peculiar forms.

The Farmer’s Tan

Most often seen on Dads at the beach or the guy from high school who’s now planting the sign for his landscaping company on your lawn.

 

Marisa Rother | Head Illustrator

The Lobster

Besides your bathing suit, your whole body’s as red as the crustacean you’ll now be known as. You should have just gone to the movies to see “The Lobster” with Colin Farrell and called it a day.

Marisa Rother | Head Illustrator

The Zebra

Because animal analogies work, this is when your friend so poorly sprays sunscreen on your back that it leaves zebra stripes on you that last for two years. Based on a true story. Hm.

Marisa Rother | Head Illustrator

The Abercrombie

The most inconceivably perfect golden tan, crafted as if life is lived through Dos Equis commercials. Persons with this “burn” often brag about being approached to work at the store “Abercrombie & Fitch.”

Marisa Rother | Head Illustrator

The Traveller

While often involving a sunglasses tan and a handheld bottle of aloe, The Traveller’s burns can vary from mild to severe. However, these burns are most noticed because the Traveller keeps joking about them to talk about how they got drunk in some other country.

Marisa Rother | Head Illustrator

The Road Trip

Either the prerequisite to a Traveller burn or a standalone experience, The Road Trip burn leaves your left arm and thigh pink and patchy because you were jamming out to Bohemian Rhapsody while driving with the windows down. Now you’re going to be asymmetrically sunburnt the whole summer.

Marisa Rother | Head Illustrator

The Music Festival

Tanlines of flower crowns and strangers’ legs on shoulders are the result of attending any music festival this summer, such as Burning Man.

Marisa Rother | Head Illustrator

The Burning Man

Having nothing to do with music festivals, this burn is in the unlikely event that your body bursts into flames and begins burning at the temperature of the sun. (Related: The Human Torch)

Marisa Rother | Head Illustrator

Feelin’ the Bern

This pink burn is when you tell your friends you can stay out in the sun a little longer, but really you should have just gone inside. You’ll start to peel.

Marisa Rother | Head Illustrator

Trump Self-Tanner

Many people want an alternative to normal sunbathing. Spray tans promise you they’re gonna be great because everyone loves a spray tan. They promise it’ll shake up the suntanning establishment, but really it’s just a substanceless aerosol can that’s just going to make one giant orange mess.

Marisa Rother | Head Illustrator

The Clinton

People spend their whole lives trying to get this tan, and they need many trips to the booths to reach it. Sun exposure is regulated under bright lights to maximize audience appeal. Pantsuits can be worn to cover up under real heat. This faux sun-tan is less blatant, but as damaging as the self-tanners, because even after twenty years of practice it still isn’t real.

Marisa Rother | Head Illustrator

So please stay tuned for more info on how to buy my book “Oh, Hey, You’re Looking Pretty Red: An Encyclopedia of Sunburns” when it goes on sale this summer. Until then, remember to re-apply.
Ian McCourt is a senior television, radio and film major. You can send him your sunburn photos for the second edition on twitter @OrderInMcCourt or at iwmccour@syr.edu.

Published on June 15, 2016 at 8:50 pm