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This will be my last column, and the title should explain to you why. In exactly three weeks from the time I write this, May 23, I will officially be done with college. That sentence is purposefully deceiving: when many people hear “done with college,” they assume that means graduated.

How small minded of you all. Assuming is only a viable strategy if you’re right 100% of the time. In exactly three weeks from the time I write this, I will not be a college graduate. I will be a college dropout.

I am indeed a senior, I have the credits necessary to graduate, and I’m not in danger of failing anything other than my New Year’s resolution of giving up Twitter on June 1 (I wanted time to adjust). If I were a dumber, worse person, I would simply graduate and that would be that.

But I’m no chump. I can’t be fooled by the hollow promises of a diploma and a degree. I refuse to let myself buy into the Trojan horse of “job stability and a higher average starting salary.” Unlike the moronic people of Troy, I am well aware there are Greeks waiting to pounce if I let my guard down. Never look a gift — Bachelor of Science — in the mouth.

I’m not crazy, either. I may have done four years of work to end with nothing, but I’m NOT crazy. I have plenty of reasons for dropping out.

We’ve all heard of a great, tear-jerking, against-all-odds success story, sometimes accompanied by a movie adaptation or, for the less successful success stories, a charming little graphic novel. But let me ask you, have you ever heard of such a story from someone who has taken the beaten path? Someone who has complied with the brainwashing rhetoric of a four-year university?

I certainly haven’t. There’s a reason you don’t hear about people who graduated from college being massively successful. It’s because they’re not. And, on those rare occasions when they are, nobody cares.

If I’ve learned one thing from reading about the stories of the uber-successful, it’s that all you need in life is a dream, some college credits, and a garage in which you’ll start your perfect, soon-to-be Forbes 500 company. If Bill Gates hadn’t dropped out of college, he’d be some irrelevant billionaire who barely had to work for any of his billions upon billions of net worth.

Would you rather be an unknown rich person, or have a 3% chance to hit it big and be famous? (And, a 97% chance to move in with your parents and be the best damn cashier Target has ever seen). I always say go big or live at home.

Dropping out after having essentially finished college is a fantastic motivator. It allows me to get the full education that comes with attending a four-year university, without any of the pesky expectations that come with being a college graduate.

People will expect me to fail because after dealing with the stress, doing the homework and learning that professors with doctoral degrees don’t appreciate being called “Teach.” That not entirely unfounded expectation will, much like a junk food spill while eating in bed, put a chip on my shoulder.

In the interest of making the future biopic about my life, “Why Would He Do That: The Eliot Fish Story,” as dramatic as possible, I’ll be unenrolling from Syracuse University literally seconds before I graduate. I will click the big red button on MySlice that says “Drop Out – Do NOT Touch.”

I want to be clear: this isn’t a pass at SU. In fact, I suggest that anybody, at any college, at any level (graduate school, Ph.D., etc.) drop out at the last possible moment before walking that stage. Or, if you’re in a Zoom graduation, before clicking that “raise hand” reaction. Sometimes, you have to live life in pursuit of a great story, even if it means sacrificing a lot to do it.

Luckily, in this case, all you’re sacrificing is a college degree, which is one of the most useless paper documents you can have in this day and age, right up there with a “free drink” ticket from DJs.

So please, join me in dropping out mere moments before your graduation. You may make less money on average, be judged by everyone in your life and make your family furious. But, you won’t regret it.

Eliot Fish is a senior television, radio, film major who writes (used to write? Wrote? Rot?) the humor column for The Daily Orange. He can be found at ebfish@syr.edu or at his computer, figuring out what jobs will prefer a great story over an insignificant degree.

Published on May 2, 2021 at 11:04 pm