The blue hue from the LED light strips illuminates my room as the melodic synths played by Steve Winwood fill my ears. I lie in my bed, taking a break from writing an essay due in a matter of days. I find myself lost deep within my thoughts, wondering about what my future holds and thinking about all of the parties and events that are packed around campus and why I’m not a part of them. As I move slightly to get comfortable, my body aches from the years of neglect on my mental health, which has begun to take its toll on all aspects of my life. For myself and many other Syracuse University students, the colossal weight of our mental illnesses can crush key aspects of our college experience.

When I was diagnosed with clinical depression and anxiety in March of 2014, it was a shock to a sixth grade me, I was just starting the process of finding my identity. Clinical depression, or major depressive disorder, is a more severe form of depression that can be caused by one or more biological, psychological and social stressors. I also deal with social anxiety, which is the extreme fear of social interactions and situations. Both of these mental illnesses have had major impacts on how I have been able to live my life throughout middle and high school.

After committing to SU, I was excited to go to a college where only one other person from my high school went. I could finally escape the doldrums of a typical high school social scene; high school had been degrading my mental health through bullying and never being able to find a friend.

When I arrived at SU, however, I was met with extremely restrictive COVID-19 policies and a materialistic, toxic social environment. My initial impression of college was one of relentless spit COVID-19 testing, virtual learning and continuous social isolation. There were few social events of any kind set up by SU to help the class of 2024 get integrated, meaning that kids like me who struggle socially were left to fend for themselves.

Coming back for my sophomore year, I was optimistic about the many newfound opportunities that a more normal college experience would provide — the anticipation of going to games in the Carrier Dome, joining clubs and student organizations. Even just going to class in person made my arrival on campus this past August filled with hope of finally starting to turn my life around.

One of the main reasons I chose SU was its Greek life reputation. During my application process, I heard so many great things about Greek life, and how at SU specifically, it was a part of the social fabric and was highly thought of and ranked. Along with a few clubs, I signed up for Interfraternity Council recruitment for the many opportunities that it offers. But after a long and arduous process, I wasn’t offered a bid by any house. Speaking honestly, it stung. I had tried so hard to persevere through my shortcomings and feel accepted for once in my life.

I know that I’m not the only student at SU who has to live with mental illness; the hope for more resources at the Barnes Center at The Arch proves that. But eating and going to SU sports games alone along with not making any meaningful friendships or connections takes a toll on me that no medication or therapist can easily whisk away. It is so easy to feel alone on a campus as busy as SU’s. If you know of or see someone going through a hard time, reach out to them. Speaking from personal experience, they would really appreciate it. And while I’m not sure what my future holds, I’ll be damned if I stopped working to get myself right.

Dalton Baxter is a sophomore applied data analytics major. His column appears biweekly. He can be reached at dwbaxter@syr.edu.

Published on March 8, 2022 at 11:10 pm