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Finding an on-campus job is one of the worst experiences a college student can endure. It’s endless hours of scrolling on Handshake, hoping to find the perfect minimum-wage gig to ultimately complain about and show up late for. It’s practically impossible to find a job here.

They want someone organized, responsible, flexible and hardworking that also qualifies for work-study? I guess I’ll send my resume to a major north-flowing river in Egypt because these guys live in DENIAL! Get it? Like the Nile? The river in Egypt? Cool.

Moving on from my excellent wordplay, it’s undeniable that it’s quite tricky to find a job on campus. That’s why I came up with a few that I think Syracuse University should add to their postings.

JOB #1: Newhouse Sherpa
Newhouse is probably one of the hardest buildings to navigate on campus. I personally wouldn’t be surprised if there’s a man who’s been lost in there for the last twenty years like Robin Williams in “Jumanji.” Personally, I’ll never forget the time I crouched in a corner of the multi-building complex, sobbing over not being able to find the mythical “Newhouse 2 355.” The dictionary-long building guides near the entrances aren’t particularly helpful, either. I want to know where my class is, not read a novel.

That’s why I think that Newhouse should have a seasoned sherpa to escort students to classes. Employees will be equipped with trail mix and water for the treacherous hikes to class, not to mention trained to know where exactly every room in the school is located. They will also carry that day’s newspaper with them, not just for any lost souls they find in the hallowed halls of Newhouse, but for any underprepared COM 107 students taking a current events quiz that day.

JOB #2: The Kissing Bench Guard
If you’ve ever taken a Syracuse University tour, you probably know about “The Kissing Bench” located between the Hall of Languages and Tolley. An old Syracuse legend says that two people who sit and kiss on the bench are destined to get married. However, sometimes it’s easy to rush into commitment. It’s not our fault that we think someone is our soulmate just because they also like to watch “Arrested Development.”

That’s why I think that’s why we should have a designated “Kissing Bench” guard to stand in front of the bench and ask the couples one simple question: “Are you sure about this?” If not, the guard will continue to point out negative aspects of each partner to the other, such as, “Have you ever noticed their nose is a little crooked?” “They pronounce their R’s weird, don’t you think?” Or maybe even, “Do you mind that they kinda smell like rotisserie chicken?” If they’re still on board with sealing the deal, then the guard will let them through.

On the opposite side of the legend, if someone accidentally sits on the bench alone, it means that they’re destined to never find their soulmate. For these lonely students, I have a simple solution. Pepper spray. The guards will pepper spray them. They may be upset at first, but they’ll be thanking me when they don’t end up sad and alone.

JOB #3: Student Fall-Breaker (Seasonal)
Syracuse is known for its harsh winter weather, and students often find themselves slipping and sliding down the streets. Even though it is incredibly funny to watch my peers slip and fall, I do think that there needs to be a system in place to make sure no one gets hurt. Personally, I want to assign a particularly durable student to walk closely in front of others when they are going down hills and break their fall if they just so happen to bite it.

The school can provide padding and helmets for these Student Fall-Breakers, and may even be able to cover any medical expenses depending on what insurance they have. This is a physically taxing position, but any applicants will be glad to know that it pays well: $14.70 an hour, almost minimum wage!

The student employment opportunities on this campus could definitely be a little bit more accessible. I think that with my help, Mr. Handshake (that’s who hires people, right?) and I could create a lot of opportunities. So, if you have an innate geographic understanding of Newhouse, a particularly durable build that can withstand being fallen on or know your way around a bottle of pepper spray, reach out! We will find a job for you.

Published on September 3, 2023 at 10:35 pm

Contact Sarah: sswells@syr.edu