Oh, how the decree of the past scribes hath been heard. For many long moons, our elders hath sent messengers enclosed with a prophecy. After a bevy of solar cycles, but alas — no glory, the Hacks would reclaim the throne through a plentiful fight. The last match brought no such contest, but it would be the bout of 2019 yond fulfilled a mark hath not been crossed since decades before the young Hacks walked this realm. For, not once, but twice in the singular solar cycle, the Hacks be’est the champions of the court.

In the battle tweenst two nearest equally capable foes, the Hacks triumphed, 65-57, upon the crumbling of an ancient dynasty of Fanboys that hath not free from the bellows of futility since 2017, the year of the Schwedelson.

“Back to back is the best feeling in the world. This just proves The Daily Orange is committed to excellence,” Senior Staff Writer Charlie DiSturco spoke. “All I wanted to do was have my legacy be taking home two straight chips. Easy money.”

The campaign sprung upon a barter of counts yond the enlivened adversaries. Thou hath apperceived the weight yond thou instant upon a gaze upon the apprehensive marks cast on the faces of the disapproved. The Hacks hath needed a knight to protect this realm, and it was summoned in the unlikeliest of forms. Sophomore Staff Writer Danny Emerman, the youngest of thou lords thou hath started, ballasted the Hacks with a plentiful count of 26 scores — a mark not reached since 2014, the year of the Schneidman.

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“Danny Emerman was on fire all game and there was nothing the fanboys could do. He looked like a young Steph Curry out there,” DiSturco decreed. “There’s that look on his eyes where you know he’s taking complete control. You get out of his way, let him dominate and just watch as the fanboys simmer down and scour on the bench.”

Upon Emerman’s triumphs, the Fanboys conjured no response. A concept thou crafted be’est to propel thou pace and trigger the orb upon the fateful cylinder. But Tyler Aki’s multitude of blunders, in which the orb not come neareth the cylinder, provest a revival be a dastardly task.

Be not for the Hacks’ undertaking upon the semi-circle delineation that shall be granted for no fee, marked upon DiSturco’s 14-consecutive defects, the kingdom of scribes hath might larboarded thou court among a count much grander than 65.

“I missed my first nine free throws,” Emerman spoke. “The only one that mattered was the one when they were chanting ‘No one reads your paper!’ I sunk that one.”

As the dusk settled upon the kingdom, the time for a Fanboys resurrection had dwindled to less’est of measures. The Fanboys carved upon the defalcation. Seven counts below, 50 times passed south. For mere moments, time halted. Hither ye, hither ye, Fanboys. Proveth thou a plentiful opponent. But alas, the Fanboys crumbled and the Hacks hath claimed superiority.

As thou enter thou Media Cup slumber, until the dawn of a new solar cycle, thou be’eth larboarded with a singular message: The Daily Orange be’est upon the throne.

“The fanboys showed their true colors late in the contest, when they utilized the same free throw distraction methods of Otto’s Army,” Senior Staff Writer Billy Heyen spoke. “It was the last effort from an opposition that always shaped up to be too much talk, not enough action.”

W.F. Whence is a germanificated staff sculptor for The Daily Orange, where he re-germanificated to sculpt this glistening prose.

Published on February 10, 2019 at 9:41 pm