In a social media-obsessed dating culture, where sexting has been outdated by semi-naked Snapchats, being Facebook official — or F.B.O. for those who know their social media sh*t ­— is still the litmus test for a serious relationship. But why has the sanctity of a relationship become defined by a status update?

It’s because we crave social validation in the most public of places, making Facebook a sugar rush. Sure, social media-based relationship certification sounds trite, but I crave it like cake — and I’m gluten intolerant.

But it turns out I’ll be lusting after F.B.O. for a while yet, as the newly opened Cafe Kubal ruined my chances of being “virtually” off the market.

Thinking Cafe Kubal was named Cafe Kabai, I struck a deal with L. If I had the right spelling, I could enforce a Facebook-official status on our relationship, something L has flat out denied me for more than 18 months, even though L apparently loves me.

Alas, my spelling sucks. So in the world of social media — and let’s be honest, that is our world — I am single. All 500 of my friends, 450 of whom I never interact with, will view me as a perpetual singleton, potentially married to a cat. I’m devastated by the prospect.

Which made me wonder: How do different people attempt to obtain virtual validation of their relationships? I took to Facebook and Urban Dictionary to find out. Here’s a Facebook vocab list to understand the complexities of social media-defined relationships.

1) Relationshiply anonymous: This is me. You or your partner isn’t into publically declaring a romantic status online, so you go for ultimate anonymity. There are three reasons for this choice: One, someone in the relationship is an introvert, like L; two, you’re trying to keep your options open because you’re a sly dog; or three, you are technologically disabled and don’t know how to edit your profile. Pick your lesser evil.

2) Premature status change: It’s like shooting the load without letting the other person know it’s coming. There is nothing that screams “uneven power balance” than only half of the relationship making it virtually official. This phenomenon may also be referred to as “relationship lag.”

3) Combolationship: This is the social media-based equivalent of a relationship sl*t. You are unable to make up your mind about whether you are in a relationship, single and ready to Christian Mingle, or just seeking attention. Someone in a combolationship changes his or her status so often that no one cares anymore.

4) It’s complicated: Way to let everyone know you are about to break up. Some might think that “it’s complicated” means people think you are a raving liberal with an open relationship, but in reality this status is a relationship death knell.

5) Facebook relationship status override: This should be punishable by death. With reckless disregard you stick your penis into someone (or the equivalent female act) who is currently F.B.O. with someone else. Though it’s not an official status, a “Facebook Hickey,” where a boy/girl publically thanks you for last night, may publicize your override.

6) Domestic partnership: Not till you’re older, but reserved for those who are unmarried and living together, like my ancient 25-year-old brother and his fiance.

7) Status breakup: This is the social media equivalent of the “it’s not you, it’s me” text. Except it’s like a group message to your entire inbox.

8) Buffer relationship status: In an attempted retaliation to a F.B.O breakup, you may buffer by being in a relationship with one of your bros/hoes to show you are still loved. This has the potential to look pathetic.

9) Facebook pounce: In response to a status breakup, you may perform a “pounce” by liking the breakup status of someone you’ve had your eye on for a while. You may come across as an a**hole, get punched by his or her ex in a club, or get laid the next weekend. Walk the plank carefully.

So there you have it: relationship validation in Facebook-status form. How do you define yourself?

Iona Holloway is a senior magazine and psychology dual major. She would like to perform the Facebook cha-cha, defined as defriending and then refriending an ex, but doesn’t have anyone to do it with. She can be reached at ijhollow@syr.edu. 

Published on November 7, 2012 at 12:30 am