Everybody loves sex.

But last night in Syracuse University’s Schine Underground, speakers Kelly Walker and Rebecca Tieder of the CampuSpeak organization spoke of the realities and repercussions of sexual assault and explained how college students can prevent assault incidents and help others survive them. Best friends since high school, the two have helped each other through Walker’s personal experience with rape. Alpha Xi Delta sorority sponsored the program, titled ‘Let’s Talk About IT!’

‘Let’s talk about it,’ Tieder said, choosing to speak directly in front of the audience, unburdened by the podium. ‘What do you think ‘it’ is?’

‘Sex,’ chorused many of the nearly 60 women in the audience.

Tieder said that before beginning the program, everyone needed to be comfortable talking about sex, especially sexual assault.

‘During this program, some might laugh, some might cry, and some might get really pissed off,’ she said.

But sexual assault is not a man-versus-woman issue, Tieder added. One in three women and one in six men become victims of sexual assault.

‘And many men who commit rape have no idea that what they were doing was wrong,’ she said.

Tieder then said that many women who are engaging in some sort of sexual behavior are too afraid to make their partner stop because of the ‘blue ball’ theory – if a man has an erection and stops before orgasm, he will be in extreme pain.

‘In reality, you can stop the sex,’ Tieder said. ‘It’s really important that we stay true to ourselves, regardless of our gender, because we never get that moment back. We need to take care of ourselves first.’

Walker told the audience that a man she had been dating came to visit her at her Florida college one weekend of her senior year. During a night of dancing, drinking and socializing at a beach bar, Walker noticed that her guest remained at the side of the bar, not socializing or appearing to have fun.

‘I guess he failed the gets-along-with-friends-well test,’ she said.

After he drove her back to her apartment, Walker felt really fuzzy and sick, she said. But she could not explain why.

They both fell asleep on the bed, and he left early the next morning.

Walker soon began having nightmares, and missed her next period. But she blamed it on stress. Two months after her friend’s visit, after a particularly horrific nightmare, she decided to buy a pregnancy test. When the test results were positive, she called Tieder, and they bought another test to make sure. The second test result was also positive, but Walker had no idea of how she could be pregnant, because she had not had sex in many months.

‘Either there was a next Jesus coming in to the world and I was part of the second Immaculate Conception, or I was raped,’ Walker said.

Walker and Tieder realized that Walker must have been raped by the friend who spent the night two months earlier. Walker called him, but he refused to accept responsibility for the pregnancy. She did not press charges against him for the rape because she could not remember any of its details, and could not expect to convince a judge or jury.

Before Walker could decide what to do with the reality of being pregnant, she miscarried. But although she did not have the baby, she still lives with the pain and confusion from the rape each day, she said.

‘Every day I wake up asking why,’ she said. ‘Why is it still happening? Why is it still happening on your campus today? And what can we do it about it?’

Even women who try to protect themselves from sexual assault still can become victims, Tieder said. The buddy system, making sure drunk friends have safe rides home or making sure friends do not leave alone with strangers are not foolproof solutions.

‘We always thought rape happened to girls who made stupid choices, but we were wrong,’ Tieder said.

But these safeguards only solve the problem temporarily. One in four college women are sexually assaulted, and 45 percent of these victims are members of a sorority, Tieder said.

For their permanent safety, women need to take additional steps to ensure that sexual assault does not occur on this campus, Tieder said. Campus leaders need to think of new and innovative ideas to help spread awareness and safety precautions and review, and perhaps update, their school’s alcohol policy.

Tieder and Walker shifted the focus of their program to explain how victims and their friends should best deal with the aftermath of an assault. If a woman has been a sexually assaulted, she needs support from her friends to survive. Friends should first believe the woman is telling the truth about the assault, because only 2 percent of rapes are falsely reported. They should also support the woman’s decisions about pressing charges or, if she is pregnant, whether to have the baby, Walker said.

No one, especially a friend, should ever blame the victim, regardless of whether she was intoxicated, acting flirty or wearing a skimpy outfit, Tieder said.

‘We do have the right to wear whatever we want, and that shouldn’t take away our right to be safe,’ she said.

Walker and Tieder have spoken at campuses across the country after deciding that their calling was to educate others to help prevent sexual assault.

‘We made a promise to ourselves: that no matter our life experiences, we would always talk to students,’ Tieder said after the program.

Ashley Holtzman, a senior education major and Alpha Xi Delta member who helped organize the event, said that the speakers impressed her and she was pleased with their message.

‘It’s so prevalent,’ Holtzman said. ‘And the numbers are so shocking.’

The speakers as well as students have benefited from the program.

‘It’s really changed both of our lives dramatically,’ Walker said. ‘Every time we meet a student who then asks us a question and we can answer it, it’s a rewarding feeling. We know we’re helping to change lives.’

Published on January 27, 2004 at 12:00 pm